Stages of Grief After a Breakup
Breaking up is not easy. Whether it’s a breakup from a boyfriend, girlfriend, spouse, life partner or even a best friend, it takes time for wounds to heal. Even if you were the one who initiated the split, you can still go through the five stages of grief, which include anger and depression. If you give yourself time, you can eventually find yourself at the end of the grief stages, acceptance.
Denial
Denial is your brain’s automatic response to unwanted news. Denial gives your heart time to adjust to the new situation. In the denial phase you may think that your significant other is coming back to you. Everybody spends different amounts of time in the denial phase, so turn to your friends and family for support. Important people can keep you from making common denial stage mistakes, such as late-night conversations with your ex.
- Denial is your brain’s automatic response to unwanted news.
- Everybody spends different amounts of time in the denial phase, so turn to your friends and family for support.
Anger
The Seven Stages of Grief with Divorce
Learn More
It is normal to be angry at your former partner. You may resent her for causing you pain or for breaking up your family. It is important in this phase not to make any rash decisions that you may later regret. In her 2013 for Psychology Today, Dr. Jennifer Kromberg states that you can go as far as sending hateful emails if you let this stage get the best of you. Allow yourself to work through your anger, perhaps by exercising, drawing or writing in a journal.
- It is normal to be angry at your former partner.
- You may resent her for causing you pain or for breaking up your family.
Bargaining
In the bargaining phase you will try to restore your relationship or perhaps rebuild it as a friendship. According to Dr. Jennifer Kromberg's 2013 article "The 5 Stages of Grieving the End of a Relationship," you may try anything you can to reclaim your relationship 2. Instead of jumping through hoops to get your relationship back, you can salvage your pride by starting anew without your ex and progress to other stages of grief.
- In the bargaining phase you will try to restore your relationship or perhaps rebuild it as a friendship.
- Instead of jumping through hoops to get your relationship back, you can salvage your pride by starting anew without your ex and progress to other stages of grief.
Depression
The Five Stages of Grief in Divorce
Learn More
It’s normal to be sad. At this point in your grieving, you come to terms with the fact that the situation is not going to change. This is a time for reflection. You may want to be alone. Realize the kindness of others is not intended to upset you. Instead, rely on your support system to keep you distracted from your grief. The 2013 Help Guide article "Coping with a Breakup or Divorce" reminds those in pain to resist the temptation to turn to drugs, alcohol or food 1. Those habits can be destructive, so eat well, sleep well and exercise.
- At this point in your grieving, you come to terms with the fact that the situation is not going to change.
- The 2013 Help Guide article "Coping with a Breakup or Divorce" reminds those in pain to resist the temptation to turn to drugs, alcohol or food 1.
Acceptance
It’s natural to harbor a place in your heart for loved ones. Special relationships make you who you are. However, in the final stage of grief after a breakup, you will begin to piece together what happened, accept the breakup and acknowledge the part you played in it, according to the 2013 Help Guide article "Coping with a Breakup or Divorce" 1. The site suggests using this as an opportunity to learn from mistakes from the past and carry those lessons into the future. This is the healthiest way to fully accept a breakup and grow as an individual. The pain may not be gone completely yet, but time will heal those wounds.
- It’s natural to harbor a place in your heart for loved ones.
- However, in the final stage of grief after a breakup, you will begin to piece together what happened, accept the breakup and acknowledge the part you played in it, according to the 2013 Help Guide article "Coping with a Breakup or Divorce" 1.
Related Articles
References
- Help Guide: Coping with a Breakup or Divorce
- Psychology Today: The 5 Stages of Grieving the End of a Relationship
- Verhallen AM, Renken RJ, Marsman JC, Ter Horst GJ. Romantic relationship breakup: An experimental model to study effects of stress on depression (-like) symptoms. PLoS ONE. 2019;14(5):e0217320. doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0217320
- National Institutes of Mental Health. Depression basics. Updated 2016.
- Field T. Romantic breakup distress, betrayal and heartbreak: a review. Int J Behav Res Psychol. 2017;5(2):217-225. doi:10.19070/2332-3000-1700038
- Field T, Diego M, Pelaez M, Deeds O, Delgado J. Breakup effects on university students' perceived academic performance. Coll Stud J. 2012;46(3): 615-619.
- Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. Impact of the DSM-IV to DSM-5 changes on the National Survey on Drug Use and Health: Table 3.19: DSM-IV to DSM-5 adjustment disorders comparison. CBHSQ Methodology Report. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, Center for Behavioral Health Statistics and Quality. Updated June 2016.
- Maercker A, Lorenz L. Adjustment disorder diagnosis: Improving clinical utility. World J Biol Psychiatry. 2018;19(sup1):S3-S13. doi:10.1080/15622975.2018.1449967
- Hollenbaugh KMH, Strauss LM, Feldmann TM, Oyeniyi O, Vashisht K. An exploration of counselors’ beliefs and approaches for relationship loss. J Loss Trauma. 2020;25(2):159-172. doi:10.1080/15325024.2019.1664126
- Mckiernan A, Ryan P, Mcmahon E, Butler E. Qualitative analysis of interactions on an online discussion forum for young people with experience of romantic relationship breakup. Cyberpsychol Behav Soc Netw. 2017;20(2):78-82. doi:10.1089/cyber.2016.0450
- Roepke AM, Benson L, Tsukayama E, Yaden DB. Prospective writing: randomized controlled trial of an intervention for facilitating growth after adversity. J Posit Psychol. 2018;13(6):627-642. doi:10.1089/cyber.2016.0450
- Doering J. Face, accounts, and schemes in the context of relationship breakups. Symb Interact. 2010;33(1):71-95. doi:10.1525/si.2010.33.1.71
Writer Bio
Amy Kaminsky worked as a television producer, producing programming for networks including Home and Garden Television and The Animal Planet. Kaminsky also produced pharmaceutical training videos for a national retail drug chain to update pharmacists on topics including vitamins, supplements and pharmacist-patient relations. She holds a Bachelor of Science degree in mass communications and is working toward her Master of Arts degree in communication studies.