It’s Monday morning and you and your partner just locked lust-filled eyes. Within minutes you’re entangled, having the sex of your most sensual dreams. So in tune with your desires, it’s as though your lover is reading your mind.
As delightful as this scenario may sound, it’s not realistic or relatable for most of us — unless you’re characters in a rom-com. Getting what you want in bed tends to take time, practice and communication to get know yourself and your partner.
In other words, mind-blowing sex that fulfills your desires is realistic if you’re willing to make the effort. Fortunately, the process can be not only spicy and fun, but it can also invite more intimacy and pleasure to the mix.
1. Spell It Out
Ask any sexuality professional how to ensure that your sexual desires are met and they’re likely to suggest open communication — for good reason.
A study published in the Journal of Sex Research in April 2016 showed that couples who openly communicate and feel sexually in sync tend to have active, satisfying sex lives in later adulthood.
“Our sexuality is constantly changing and evolving,” says Shannon Chavez, Psy.D., a clinical psychologist and certified sex therapist in Los Angeles. “If we don’t express our desires, our partner will never know what works and what doesn’t.”
Don’t assume your partner will “just know” what you want, said Chavez. Aim instead for simple, direct communication. If you want your partner to whisper sexy words in your ear during sex, for example, prompt them. Draw them close and say, “Tell me what turns you on,” or, “How does it feel when we do _? I want to hear you describe it.”
Communicate about what feels good — or not so good — in the moment as well.
“Give yourself permission to give feedback,” Chavez added. “It is not about hurting your partner’s feelings or being insensitive. It is about being open and intimate about your sexuality.”
2. Provide a Demo
People’s fantasies and mental images about sex tend to vary, said Dawn Serra, a sex educator and relationship coach in Washington, D.C. In addition to articulating your desires, she recommends demonstrating on yourself as a powerful way to convey them.
If you long to be touched in a particular area or way, for example, show your partner by touching yourself accordingly. If they don’t follow suit as you’d hoped, gently guide their hands or add words to the mix.
“Nonverbal cues can be helpful, but if they’re too subtle or if they’re not crystal clear, it can be challenging for a partner to pick up on them,” said Serra.
To clarify while you’re demonstrating, offer guidance, such as, “I’d love it if you touched me like this,” or, “This would feel even better if you did it.”
If your partner is game, you can also demonstrate what you long for on their body, then ask or guide them to reciprocate.
3. Read or Watch Erotica
If you’re not inclined to share your desires through words or demonstration, or you simply want to try a fun alternative, look no further than spicy books and movies. Arousal starts in the brain, where creativity and story processing live.
“We are wired to respond to visual and auditory sexual stimuli,” said Chavez, who often encourages clients to read each other erotica as foreplay. If you’re feeling really creative, she suggests writing your own and reading it aloud to your partner.
Read or watch an erotic scene that illustrates a fantasy you’ve set your sights on with your partner, letting them know it entices you. If you crave something new but aren’t sure of the specifics, explore books and films for ideas.
If you have something kinky in mind and consider yourself more “vanilla,” for example, choose entertainment featuring role-playing or light BDSM, or stream an erotic tutorial.
4. Play a Game
A sense of novelty sends feel-good chemicals, such as:
- to the reward center of your brain
- making way for more fun
What Do YOU Think?
If you don't mind if we ask, what are some of your sexual fantasies? Which of these communication tactics will you use with your partner?
It’s Monday morning and you and your partner just locked lust-filled eyes. As delightful as this scenario may sound, it’s not realistic or relatable for most of us — unless you’re characters in a rom-com. D., a clinical psychologist and certified sex therapist in Los Angeles. “ Don’t assume your partner will “just know” what you want, said Chavez. Aim instead for simple, direct communication. If your partner is game, you can also demonstrate what you long for on their body, then ask or guide them to reciprocate. We are wired to respond to visual and auditory sexual stimuli,” said Chavez, who often encourages clients to read each other erotica as foreplay. Which of these communication tactics will you use with your partner?